Does Divorce Mean Missing Parenting?Posted by Psychologist on Jun 27, 2012 in Articles by Ken | 1 comment
- Do you feel divorce cheated you out of parenting?
- Do you think you have never been or will be a parent?
- Are you beating yourself up for putting your career first?
- Everyone is parented by someone.
- Everyone parents someone else.
- Your kind of parenting is perfect for you.
“Shout for joy, O barren one, you who have borne no child; Break forth into joyful shouting and cry aloud, you who have not given birth; For the sons of the desolate one will be more numerous than the sons of the married woman,” says the Lord. ~~ Isaiah 54:1
Parenting is simply a form of caring for others.
Parenting is simply a form of caring for others. And caring for others comes in an infinite variety of ways. You, from your life experiences and within their own value system, create your own ways to care for others.
This caring takes a parental flavor because you were first cared for in some way by some kind of parental figure. For many it was a mother or father. But for many others it was a grandparent, aunt, uncle, sibling or some other form of guardian.
There are many forms of parenting
For you, divorce may mean you will never have the child or children you wanted. While this may be the case, it can also mean you are challenged to find new ways to achieve your desire for children. It reminds me of Melody, a client I met several years ago.
“I want to have a baby!” was Melody’s opening statement. She was an attractive woman in her mid-forties. But what was most interesting was the determination with which she made this statement.
So I asked her a few pointed questions.
“What does your partner think of the idea?” was my first question.
“I don’t have one!” she responded.
“What do you think of artificial insemination? was my next query.
“Oh, I couldn’t do that!” she retorted
“Have you considered adoption?” was my next comment.
“That takes way too long, I am almost 50 years old.” she said.
“What about a surrogate parent?” was my final shot.
“Oh, that is too complicated; I wouldn’t be comfortable with it.”
That means you are already a mother.
“Well!” I said, “That means you are already a mother.”
“What?” she said, “…I am already a mother…how can that be Ken?”
“Nature…,” I said, “ensures each of us has what we need to evolve. What we need is often not in the form we would choose but, none the less, it works perfectly for us.”
“I don’t understand what that means,” she responded.
Everyone, without exception, gets mothered and fathered in some form.
“Let me explain it this way. Everyone, without exception, gets mothered and fathered in some form, otherwise they would not have survived. It may not be in a traditional maternal or paternal form but it still happens regardless.
Melody looked at me with a confused look on her face.
I continued, “In the same way, everyone gets to be a maternal and paternal influence on others regardless whether they have biological children of their own. It is just a matter of identifying where and when it occurs in the past and present.”
“So you are saying I am have and still am mothering somebody somewhere…Ken, is that what you are saying?” she asked.
“Exactly, Melody, so let’s find them. Look around your world and tell me who you are mothering in some way in your relationship with them?”
Melody mused, “I never thought about mothering in this way before. I guess the first person who comes to mind is my nephew Jason. He is a teenager and with both his mom working shift work and his dad out west, he spends a lot of time at my place.”
“That is a good example; now who else?” I asked.
Melody went on to list a niece teaching in Japan with whom she has regular email contact, a young woman in her choir she was mentoring and a new employee at work who she had taken under her wing for her probationary employment period. This was her current list. She realized she had been doing this kind of thing for years with a variety of people.
There are no mistakes in nature or in your life.
“Melody, there are no mistakes in Nature or in your life. So, this means within your value system, you have been doing the correct form of mothering which fits you and your value system.”
“I think I just lost you again Ken!” she said.
“Let me clarify by asking a question. If you could get biologically pregnant tomorrow, would you be willing to take on the extra body weight; suffer through morning sickness, swollen ankles, a maternity leave from work, a delivery, nights with no sleep, additional economic costs and a whole bunch of other new responsibilities for about the next 18 years?”
Melody looked at me with a strained expression as she processed my question and came to her answer.
“No!” she said emphatically, “I couldn’t and wouldn’t!”
I said, “So, can you see with your value system, you have the perfect form of mothering for you?”
“I never thought of it like that before. But Ken, it is true isn’t it?” she said.
I added, “And if you doubt the value of your special form of mothering, imagine for a moment what might have happened to those people if you had not been there to mother them.”
Everyone is a parent in a form
So, everyone is a parent in a form in keeping with their value system. And there are no mistakes in the form of parenting you have in your life. If you wish to change the form of parenting you have, to what you perceive is a better form, then you will be expected to pay equally for it.
You have probably noticed individuals without children who have more freedom and resources but they have to pay for it in other ways as more aloneness and loneliness. In the same way individuals with children usually have more hugs and emotional support but have more costs and responsibilities. But within each person’s value system, they have just the situation they need to evolve themselves and respect their own value system.
POINTS TO PONDER AND REMEMBER
- Everyone was parented by someone in some way in their life.
- Parenting is simply the first form of caring for others you learned
- Caring for others comes in an infinite variety of ways.
- Using your life experiences and value system, create the ways you care for others.
- Divorce can mean you won’t have the child or children you wanted.
- Divorce can also mean you are challenged to notice other ways you parent.
- You are a parent in a form in keeping with your value system.
- Within your life, you have just the form of parenting you need to evolve yourself.
Take Away Tool
Uncovering Your Parenting Roles!
- Step 1 – Think of the various relationships you have in your life with family, friends, colleagues, community groups and so on.
- Step 2 – Identify the ones where you take on a parenting role as a supporter or challenger or both.
- Step 3 – Find a specific way to show your appreciation to them for the privilege of parenting them.
- Step 4 – Notice how carrying out this parenting role connects to some of your highest values.
- Step 5 – Notice how you are always a parent in some form in some way to somebody.
Everyone gets to be a parental figure of some form and it will be the perfect one for your evolution.
Relish the joys of parenthood – no matter your marital status!
What They’re Saying…..
“This is really exceptional work! ….. And very empowering because you also give a list of what to do, like a checklist, to get beyond the shock and to find the joy of living again. …..Thanks for this great work you do, sir!”
Need help relearning to Parent “alone”?
Contact Ken Pierce for guaranteed results.